10 signs that I'm a total loser

1 - I don't like my pasta Al Dente. Sorry, Giada, but I like my pasta soft and tender. There's enough things to fight in this world without my teeh having to fight with my pasta. It's supposed to be a comfort food. Next thing you'll see people wanting their mashed potatoes al dente. Fuck that.

2 - I like my ceiling fans. They're not hip, but when it's 85 degrees at 10am in the morning and I have to do laundry, i.e. get hot clothes from the hot dryer out to fold, I need my ceiling fans. In the living room, dining room, bedroom, I got 'em all over the place.

3 - I don't like Champagne. I know, right? I tried Cristal Champagne about 10 years ago and nearly spit it out. I'm classy that way. I do like other sparkling wines, mostly sweet ones, and we served one for our wedding that everyone loved.

4 - I don't buy scrapbooking "embellishments" any more - if I could have my money back from all the matchy pages and stickers and coordinating this and that, I so would take it. Now it's just the pictures, matted in a contrasting paper, with a blurb that's handwritten by me. The memories and photos are what matter to me now, not whether I have the stick-on sign that goes perfectly with the page theme.

5 - I love rainy weather. While everyone around me is dreaming of sunny days and shorts and tank tops, I am already mourning the fact that summer's coming. I hate summer. The sun and heat give me headaches, I can't stand them. I'll even take moderately sunny but cool and breezy days, but full on 90+ degree weather? Bleargh.

6 - I don't like dark furniture. Which sucks as it's what everyone is selling and every designer is featuring, but I like my honey-toned woods and light happy birch-effect furniture. I tried finding a dining room on Target and I swear, 35 out of 38 were "espresso" or "black". What the fuck?

7 - I have acne. I don't know when the fuck this happened - okay, I DO know, it was on my 38th birthday. I've NEVER had acne in my life, other than my monthly pimple, and now half my face is covered with nasty, painful zits. I'm starting a new treatment because the first one didn't work, so I hope this shit goes away soon. I don't know how to deal with acne.

8 - I love Froot Loops. I've always loved Froot Loops. Give me a bowl of sugar- and preservative-filled Froot Loops over a healthy bowl of twigs and rocks, I mean, Kashi GoLean, any day. Which is why I don't buy them. Because a Costco sized pack would be gone in a week. My last meal will be my mom's cooking and a huge bowl of Froot Loops as dessert.

9 - I like Hershey's chocolate. I've been to Belgium and scoffed at their masterpieces, been to Vosges Haut Chocolat and sneered at the ridiculous Lime/Chili/Hayseed or whatever the latest flavor is. Sorry. Give me good old Hershey's milk chocolate. Plain. No almonds. Dark chocolate is good if there's nothing else around.

10 - I want less. If I could pick one word to symbolize my goal for 2010 it would be Less. I want less clothes that I never wear. Less cosmetics that go bad before I use them. Less toys the kids can scatter all over creation. Less food I definitely don't need. Less chaos that turns my world upside down. Less shit to clean and dust and laundry and clean again and straighten and vacuum and fix and bla bla bla. Just less.